Resting Without Earning It First

A wake-up call, a wellness overhaul, and a slower rhythm for She Who Makes.

Moon Update: 🌓 First Quarter 6:06am CT. the moon asks for aligned action this week. Continue to move towards your intentions set on the New Moon, July 14.

Seasonal Update: In Ayurveda, it’s pitta season, which means it’s time to eat cooling foods. Cucumber, mint, melon. Let it be easy, no frills.

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Last week, I had a wake-up call.

On Thursday, I ended up in the ER after experiencing several physical symptoms that concerned me.

I’ve been working with a Functional Medicine practitioner for a month now, and after getting my labs back, I learned that my body is pretty depleted. The tanks are empty. My iron is low, my hormones are out of whack, and my cortisol patterns show that my body needs restoration, nourishment, and replenishment. So in addition to the plan she gave me, I decided to start tracking my Oura data, diet, and physical symptoms each day.

Tuesday’s entry: I’ve felt light headed, weak, and short of breath this afternoon into evening. Also like there is pressure in my neck and a slight headache.

Wednesday’s entry: I started feeling short of breath, and neck pressure starting around 4pm.

Thursday’s entry: Woke up feeling buzzy. Short of breath, weak, and pressure in chest in morning.

I told my husband about these symptoms, and he asked me to contact my sister who is a nurse, or my friend who is a doctor. My sister didn’t answer, so I texted my friend:

Me: Hey- I think I need to go to urgent care. I’m having some ongoing symptoms like shortness of breath, headache, and pressure in my neck.

Friend: Shortness of breath is a scary symptom and they may send you to the Emergency Department to have more testing. We aren’t able to do lab work at our urgent cares.

Me: Okay do you think I should just go straight to the ED?

Friend: Shortness of breath started this morning?

Me: No, started a couple nights ago. It was only in evening and it was like… I couldn’t get a deep breath in. Like my chest felt restricted. Like stressful breathing kind of? I’ve also had some dizziness and weakness this week. I’ve assumed its from my low ferritin

Friend: Ok yes you need ED. You need to have your hemoglobin checked

I started gathering my things and printing out reports from my Functional Medicine appointments. I messaged the women in Coven, and asked a Seasonal Leader to cover for me during one of our gatherings that day. I cleared my calendar. And I felt scared.

I also felt confused.

Am I just making this up? Am I really short of breath? Going to the Emergency Room seems like an overreaction. Can I just wait it out?

Maybe what made me feel the most afraid: I don’t trust our healthcare system. When a woman is told over and over by her society that her body doesn’t matter, how can she trust that our healthcare system will take care of it?

But my husband took the morning off work, drove me to the ER, and I got testing done. We ruled out any major concerns, I scheduled a follow-up appointment to establish care with a doctor in town, and we got in the car to go home.

I sat in the passenger seat. I could feel my husband’s gaze on the side of my face.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” I said, as tears streamed down my face.

I felt ashamed. For wasting people's time, our money, our resources on what turned out to be nothing.

And I felt tired. Tired of not feeling well. Tired of not being okay. Tired of making my husband put up with a version of me that is not vibrant, joyful, and thriving. Tired of the thoughts in my head that tell me that I somehow caused this physical unwellness — that it’s my fault.

I didn’t know how to pull myself out of this low, both physically and emotionally. So that day, I just let myself dwell in it. I watched Enola Holmes 3, and ate some French ice cream. (My favorite brand when I’m going full-on dairy.)

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Guilty For Resting

It’s been five days since that ER visit.

The bottom line: I have less capacity right now than I’ve had in a long time, and it has truly humbled me. Both emotionally and physically I have been struggling for a few months, and I believe it is from years of chronic stress that has built up combined with the pregnancy loss and other circumstantial life challenges.

In my recovery program, we say that desperation is a gift. That’s what this wake up call has given me: the gift of desperation. I have been truly caring for and nourishing myself since those first scary symptoms.

My husband and I have been having challenging conversations to navigate some of the things that will need to change in our dynamic to accommodate me getting well. It has been incredibly uncomfortable to ask for help, to make changes that impact my circles and ask them to step up while I recover, and to practice resting without earning it first.

I’m now taking Mondays off work so I can focus on my household. I wasn’t feeling great yesterday, so I didn’t get as much done as I wanted to. I asked my husband to get the groceries when I had already said I would.

Towards the end of the day, I lay down on the couch to relax and read - to rest. My husband came in the door from work, and I could’ve sworn I saw a flicker of annoyance and resentment on his face.

Immediately I felt defensive. He asked me what I was reading, and I snapped “My book. I also put away the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and cooked all our lunches.”

“Why are you saying it like that?” he asked.

“Because… I feel guilty.”

“Why?”

“For resting while you’ve been at work all day. It seemed like you were annoyed with me for being on the couch.”

“Well, I’m not.”

Turns out, the annoyance and judgement, the unwillingness to let me rest… it exists within myself.

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Giving My Body What It’s Asking For

I’m making a lot of changes in my lifestyle right now, and practicing being uncomfortable while I rest and receive.

Here’s what that looks like:

We’re hiring out some of our household and yard work, and cutting expenses elsewhere to pay for it.

I redesigned my work calendar: I cleared Mondays to give myself a full weekend and have a day to catch up on cooking and household items, and I’m keeping Fridays pretty clear as well. I’ve limited client-facing time so that I am less available.

I’ve gathered a wellness team: a functional medicine practitioner, a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, a therapist. I’ve started a supplement regimen.

I’m making some intentional lifestyle choices in my day-to-day: feet in the grass and sunlight in my eyes first thing in the morning. Warm, nourishing foods. Gentle movement. Screens off by 6pm. Art and pleasure reading in my evenings to unwind and downshift. Plenty of sleep.

In addition to the wellness and lifestyle changes I’m making, I’m also changing my promises here.

In May, I felt like I could expand my content output to eight posts a month. After two months, I’m noticing that with the new cadence the quality dipped and the spaciousness that makes this work feel alive disappeared. It’s also depleted me and funnily enough has decreased engagement. So I’m returning to a slower rhythm: fewer posts, more heart-centered authenticity in each one. What that will look like moving forward:

Free essays on the first quarter, last quarter, and balsamic moon (right before new moon). These are The Map, showing you where to look and where you want to go.

Paid posts on the new moon and full moon. These are The Practice, workbooks, guides, and meditations to bring what you're reading off the page and into your actual life.

Coming soon: Founding Membership with seasonal Devotional Planning workbooks and live ceremonies on the solstices and equinoxes.

You also may see more collaborations with other creators via Substack Live and video podcasts that get sent through this platform as a bonus.

Slowing down, listening to your body, and making changes to thrive is the work I write about, and I know I have to live it too. So I’m noticing the drift, and I’m returning back to myself and what I need.

I'll ask you what I'm asking myself:

Where are you pushing through right now when you should be slowing down or letting go?

What promise are you keeping at your own expense?

You don't have to redesign your whole life today. Just start to notice and become aware of that pattern.

My seasonal intention this summer is to be loving, receptive, and nourished. All of these changes are the aligned actions to fulfill that intention.

Thank you for being here while I tend to what needs tending.

With love,
Cara

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About The Author:

I’m Cara. A sober woman, a writer, an intuitive, and an Integrative Trauma Coach. I believe the woman who creates consciously — who brings something wholly her own into the world with devotion — changes everything around her. She Who Makes is where I do that work alongside you.

Work with me:

In addition to writing this publication, I also offer:

🌑 Coven | A seasonal, sacred accountability structure for women entrepreneurs and creators who are ready to surrender to what wants to come through them and show up with devotion.

⚡️Coaching | 1:1 sessions and packages for women who wish to move from self-doubt, over-giving, and self-silencing to unabashedly building work, life, and relationships from the divine spark within them.

You can learn more about all of my offerings here.

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“What you seek is seeking you.” - Rumi

It would honor me if you shared She Who Makes with the ones who are seeking guidance, structure, and inspiration to come home to themselves and make something wholly their own.